I’ve always been a romantic

When I was a kid I really loved Disney movies. The princesses were beautiful, they had long luscious hair and beautiful dresses and wonderful stories. They met their soulmates and lived happily ever after and the movies brought me joy.

The girls in these stories would have good morals and the stories would help you be more confident and then they would ALSO find love.

I played Barbies as a kid and spun stories about my dolls being rescued or getting married or finding the people they were meant to be with.

So when I say I’ve always been a romantic, I’ve always been a romantic.

Then I grew up.

I’m kidding, mostly.

I had a phase as I got older. I turned 18 having never been kissed, I went through university and met my first boyfriend. He decided sometime between meeting me and the first nine months that I was sticking around, but that my future didn’t matter. He had plans that involved moving away, and he assumed that I’d be coming with him.

But that’s not what I wanted. So I left him, and I realized that I had agency outside of finding someone who loved me and living happily ever after.

I became fiercely independent, it became a huge part of my personality. I was a feminist who didn’t need anyone but myself. I graduated and thought that I needed to be the cold-hearted snake that I saw on television - The badass business woman - in order to be successful.

So I did. I worked hard, I went to more school, I started creating content. I got a job in corporate. I met someone and we dated and I was cold (I regret it now, I wasn’t as kind or open with him as I could have been).

I had everything I had ever wanted, but I felt empty.

My job wasn’t fulfilling me, my relationship felt stale, I was miserable working 12 hour days and commuting and pretending this was a dream come true.

But I kept on.

And then one day, I lost that job. It was the best thing that ever happened to me.

In the intervening year and a half I realized a few things.

1. I was at my unhappiest when I was pretending I didn’t care

2. Crying out my feelings was good, actually

3. Love was beautiful, and there was nothing wrong with wanting a happily ever after

I had always been a romantic, I’d just been pretending I wasn’t.

This part is where I actually grew up.

There’s so much more to being a romantic than I realized as a kid.

Yes, it’s partially about finding your person. But it’s also about making YOURSELF your person too.

I spent years single before I met my current partner, who is the light of my life and I adore him. But I didn’t spend those years doing nothing or just pining for someone good for me. I spent them cultivating a sense of divine self (idk if that’s a thing, but I’m making it one).

I tapped into my spirituality, I cared for myself in every single way you could imagine, I ate and stopped worrying about calories, I developed a sense of style that spoke to me, I found jobs that brought me joy, I gained weight and loved the body that came with it. I consumed what I wanted, I read romance, I complimented strangers in the street. I loved myself above all else.

Romance, being a romantic, it’s just as much about romancing yourself as it is about romancing another.

I can be the best partner and find my happily ever after BECAUSE I treated myself with the love and care that I’d give to a partner.

There is strength in softness, and my softness comes from my ability to love. I have so much to give, and I refuse to let it go to waste.

And so, I stay a hopeless romantic.